the whole thing is so strange. I think I coudl say that right now I am experiencing some of the strangest emotions and experiences I have had in awhile. mostly due to work, india, morgan, friends, general life, real estate, money. yea know. the good stuff. all that stuff just creates such anxiety in my life. it is so so weird.

however, as confusing as it is, it isn’t bad. in fact a lot of it is good. a lot of it is also hard though. I hate hard things. but the hard things are not destroying life - nor are they actually hard. they are just different than the simplicity of my usual life.


i think the difficulty comes when I find incongruencies within what I feel is the “right” decision and what I find my heart wants to do. this “problem” transcends all of the above mentioned portions of my life. it isn’t necessarily a plague as much as it is a minor affliction. it especially comes forward when I think about how things are goign with morgan. it rules that we are hanging out again. but it is totally hard (especially when I am weak (which is right now(i mean like today at 4:46))). but it is getting easier. but it is also maintaining a hardness which I am not really into. but I really enjoy it and I don’t think I can not do it. so I have this dichotomy that exists where I have these very strong feelings that are contrary and thus in battle. but I don’t think it is a problem. cuz when I am outside - and the sun is shining. there is no issue. but when I am inside. thinking. reading specific blogs. looking at specific photos. this shit gets hard. (i guess I could just stay outside(thus india hehe)). but yea. I attempted to describe this last night using the analogy of a slow moving tornado. it didn’t work. but I was attempting to explain how my head is mixed up. but clear. if that makes any sense at all.

stupid emotions. I sometimes feel that this is all drival. that I shoudl just ignore and move on. but then I remember that I don’t want to ignore hide or whatever. I am unable to do that. I explode and nobody wants that.

i am so affected.

and I am going to india. wtf. hahah.
check this out.